Groundhogs Owner Demands Front Office to Examine McCoy
July 5, 2001
Punxatawney, PA (AP)
Late last night, an enraged, bitter owner of the Punxatawney Groundhogs, Dan
Shapiro, released a statement in which he demanded that league commissioner Matt
Peck take action to investigate the bizarre antics of all four owners in the
McCoy division, especially New Orleans Jeremy Chrabascz and Deadwood's Phil
Raisor.
"After seeing Raisor's video last evening, and hearing about what Chrabascz has
done to respected baseball analyst Peter Gammons and that innocent little doggie,
well, I've decided that everyone in that entire f*cking division is nuts," said
Shapiro. "I mean, how could anyone keep their sanity in a division with a GM who
galavants around a pool table with bikers and a stuffed poodle while another GM
is cloning humans, torturing ESPN employees, and hiring Monica Lewinsky!
...What?...No I don't have a damn clue what I'm saying, I got 2 hours of sleep in
the last four days...WHAT?...Turn that damn thing off!."
While Shapiro was unable to point out any actions by Peter Carbonetto or Brian
Sculac, owners of the Montreal Royals and Edmonton Sled Dogs, the "playoff"
between the two teams last year in which they drank beer and sang the Canadian
national anthem has left a black mark on the records of both teams.
"Maybe we should shrink the league by 1 division and get rid of those McCoy
freaks," said Shapiro. "I mean, our division might suck total ass and we may
lose almost every game to other divisions, but at least we stay out of the local
loony bin and drunk tanks. I think this debacle of a division deserves a closer
look by Commissioner Peck, immediately!"
