Raisor having fun in the woods with an mysterious dog
June 29, 2001
New Orleans, LA (AP)- As word came out of Deadwood that its awol owner, Philip Raisor, had fled into the South Dakota wilderness with an unknown puppy, no one was more shocked than the New Orleans Vampires organization. Raisor had accused Vampires owner Jeremy Chrabascz of kidnapping GM Peter Gammons and forcing him to work without pay this season. Nothing could be further from the truth, say Gammons and Chrabascz.
"I'm not sure what all the commotion is about," said Gammons, "I was never actually fired. That release was simply a public relations blunder that was the result of an unfortunate rookie mistake on the part of one of our interns from Tulane. The intern received an unfavorable review and has since been reassigned. The truth is, that release never should have been put on the wire and those rumors never should have been started."
"Peter and I have had our differences but he has and always will be a significant and active member of the New Orleans organization," stated Chrabascz. "The person who began the rumor that Gammons had been fired has, as we all well know, been reassigned to duty as our official ballgirl. She's rarely allowed in the front office anymore."
Meanwhile, everyone is wondering just what Raisor is doing, why he's in the woods and who's puppy he stole. "I hate poodles. I loathe them almost as much as those weiner dogs. I would never own a poodle! Therefore, I have no idea whose dog Raisor has run off with. Obviously, the man has some problems. He should be committed." Indeed. Raisor's own organization, the Deadwood Outlaws, have requested that the authorities hunt him down and place him under psychiatric evaluation.
"Personally," commented team captain Jason Kendall, "I think they should find him and put him out of his misery like a lame race horse or something." When asked what they should do with the poodle, Kendall replied, "Maybe make it Deadwood's new mascot or something."
IN OTHER NEWS...
The investigation continues into why the Maple Dogs suck. Hordes of evidence have been confiscated by the FBI, CIA, and NSA in recent weeks.
