New Orleans owner responds to accusations
June 12, 2001
New Orleans, LA (AP)- New Orleams Vampires owner Jeremy Chrabascz responded to accusations made today by Missisagua Maple Dogs owner Jesse Gouldson. Chrabascz was ambushed by the media on his way to the stadium this morning and replied, "Yeah, I heard what he said. All I have to say is that jealousy is unbecoming, Jesse. Why doesn't he (Gouldson) just face that fact that his club may, in fact, suck and accept the reality that he probably has no business being a GM in this league and should fire himself for the sake of the Maple Dogs."
Responding directly to the accusations themselves, Chrabascz responded, "The New Orleans Vampires have not and never will condone any Cult-related activities on the part of its players or management staff. We urge our rookies to abide by this creed and to resist the temptation of giving in to the local, er, elements."
In fact, The New Orleans Vampires organization is so serious about the subject that it puts together a seminar for all of its newcomers every offseason, entitled, "Say No To Vampires & Voodoo: A Workshop in Resistance." The seminar is hosted by Psychic Friends pioneers Dionne Warwick and Gary Coleman as well as Louisianna native Richard Simmons. "Richard is an excellent motivational speaker," commented GM Peter Gammons, "He's better than Lou Holtz. He keeps our youngsters in line and in shape!"
Despite the Vampires' serious stance against cult activities among members of its organization and despite the fact that any actual wrongdoing their part seems incredibly unlikely, there is word out of Washington tonight that special agents have been sent to monitor all Vampire activity--indefinitely. When told of this Chrabascz replied via the phone a few moments ago, "Yeah, I met with some 'Agent Mulder' and an 'Agent Scully' but, frankly, I was insulted. To investigate us solely on Gouldson's bogus charges seems nothing short of harassment in my mind. Our staff counsel is considering filing suit."
No word yet on the FBI's findings, if any. We'll keep you posted. In the meantime, the Mississagua Maple Dogs are reportedly conducting their own investigation into their team's Gatorade and team cookies to determine if they're ingesting anything that is making them suck. As always, we'll keep you posted.
