Galena, IL--Earlier this afternoon, it was reported that Tricia Tiermann,
22, is filing a lawsuit against Peck Enterprises and the Galena Hamsters.
Tiermann is suing Peck for $100,000 on account of having an all-you-can-eat
buffet available to all players and employees at the stadium.
"When I took this job, I didn't realize I'd have to fight the calling of
the buffet table and my willpower," Tiermann explained, "I started this job
as a shapely 120 pound woman, but I've gained 50 pounds in the four months
I've been here, and my boyfriend dumped me! Peck is going to pay!"
This is assumed to be the first lawsuit against a company that provides
free food for its employees, "This is a bit insane," quipped Galena Hamsters
owner Matthew Peck, "how can I be sued for giving perks to my employees and
treating them like kings and queens at the workplace?" When asked if he'd
consider abolishing the buffet, Peck clearly stated his position. "Hell no!
We've had this buffet ever since the inception of PVBL and the construction
of his stadium. Hell, there are some players I've signed over the years and
the icing on the cake was the great buffet. It's a great way to attract
talent to your franchise. Not only that, but I personally love the buffet. I
eat lunch at the complex every day, and it gives me a chance to talk with
the players and employees of the ballpark."
The Galena Hamsters owner does not want the buffet to be eliminated, and
neither do the players, "It's in my contract that I get 2 buffet meals per
day," Chipper Jones, 3B, stated, "When I signed my longterm deal, I had to
have assurances from Peck that I'd have free reign of the buffet. I can't
see how he could legally abolish the buffet...he could send me to Ponderosa
every day, but it sure as hell wouldn't be the same."
"The Hamster Buffet has prime rib, catfish, cod, steak, lobster, shrimp,
chicken...it's beautiful," said LF Rich Amaral, "I spend a lot of time on
the bench, and I often times dream of the succulent offerings the buffet has
to offer. If the buffet is abolished, I'll be asking for a trade."
Tiermann is suing Peck for $100,000, or $2000/pound of weight gained,
"The more weight I gain, the more Peck pays. He can't get away with this!"
Tiermann currently serves as a secretary in the Hamsters front office. When
Peck was asked if Tiermann was attractive, Peck replied "Well, I don't
believe I ever met her before she put on this supposed extra poundage, but I
think she's a nice looking lady...in fact she's not bad looking at all.
Hell, if I was sued by every woman I have on my staff that's uglier than
Tiermann, I'd be wiped out. She doesn't have anything to complain about!"
