Owner, General manager, and manager Jason Garnar, in his usual
controversial way, delivered some cutting remarks on the sale of the Anchorage
Abominations yesterday. Anchorage, which was sold by Owner Nick Tulach to Sun
Microsystems, now seems to have an unfair advantage in signing free agents with
Sun's wealth of capital. Said Garnar, "Frankly, I'm a little disappointed in
Nick. And I hope Mr. Peck will have the vision to see the gravity of this
situation. I am quite sure now that this won't be the last corporate sale,
rather, it will be the first of many."
Garnar then immediately addressed his fellow PVBL owners: "Fellow owners!
We must not allow these capitalist pigs to destroy our most cherished
institution, the PVBL. If this sale is approved, soon all of the PVBL will be
bought up by rich multinational companies! Do you really want to see this
terrible future, where the "Ford 150's" play the "Honda Accords"? How about
playing in parks called Microsoft Windows Stadium, or The Park That Boeing
Built? We must unite and protest this "abomination", or else our tradition
will be erased."
Garnar also protested Tulach's admitted drug dealing. "Listen, people.
Narcotics have no place in the PVBL. I'm surprised that Mr. Tulach is running
around basically throwing dope at his players. Had I known that, I might not
have traded Lee Barker to him." Barker, a young prospect, has been in and out
of rehab ever since he was seven. Marquis Grissom, and Eddie Guardado have
been placed on a 12 step rehab program in order to rid their craving of the
suspicious "candy" that Tulach had placed in the dugout when they were
abominations. "I can only hope that their rehab won't affect these players
field performances, but here in Area 51, we are actually concerned about our
players welfare, rather than what's happening in Anchorage.", remarked Garnar.
Garnar outlined a five point point plan that will be presented to commish
Peck regarding the Anchorage situation.
1. Prohibit the sale of the Abominations to Sun Microsystems.
2. Ban Mr. Tulach from his stadium until it has been shown that he won't offer
narcotics to his players.
3. Establish a No-Tolerance drug policy in the PVBL.
4. Prohibit any team from being sold to large corporations.
5. Fine Tulach an undisclosed amount of money for his insolence and
destructive nature.
Remarked Garnar, "Hopefully, Mr. Peck will step in and do something. He's our
commissioner for a reason, and he needs to become more vigilant in these
matters. If nothing happens and no action is taken, I will take action
myself." What this action is, Mr. Garnar would not comment on.
