Playoff Bound 'Boms Over-confident October 3, 2000
Anchorage AK (AP) - After disposing of their arch-rival nemesis Ann Arbor
in the final series of the regular season, the Anchorage Abominations baseball
club was full of joy. After seeing the Tijuana Border Patrol lose their
final regular season game, thus assuring Anchorage of its first ever playoff
appearance, the Abominations were already talking upset. "Everyone wants
us to win. They're sick of Galena. We're the favorite in this series. We
don't need homefield advantage to whoop their (rear-end)." said Anchorage
reliever Mike Holtz.
Anchorage has not fared well historically against the Hamster, getting swept
in the last series of the year, 4-0. Galena has hit well against all five
Anchorage starters and has shut down the Abominations' offense. "We don't
care about history. We're gonna win. That's all that matters. In fact,
I'mm pretty sure we'll beat whoever we face in the second round as well." said
Abominations' infielder Miguel Cairo.
Playoff fever is running rampent in Anchorage as the city prepares for the
first ever post season appearance. Hospitals have been filled to capacity
with people suffering from the outbreak of illness associated with the
Abominations making the playoffs. "This playoff fever is the nastiest flu
I've ever seen. I didn't know baseball could cause people to get physically
ill." said one area nurse.
Despite the rash of illness, violence is at an all time high. Random
murder is up 1258% since the Abominations' victory over Ann Arbor and 37 people
were killed in lines for tickets at Poopmoose Park. All totalled, 66 people
have been killed and 11 injured as a result of the Abominations making the
playoffs. "We've taken steps to prevent the murder from spreading outside
the stadium. People have been courteous enough to only commit intentional
homicide at the stadium. As long as it doesn't spread to other parts of
town, we're going to let it slide." said Anchorage's police chief. It has not
been determined whether or not security will be present at the Abominations'
home playoff games as of yet.
The Abominations will send Willie VanLandingham to the mound in Game One
of the series. Their position player roster will include catchers Mike
Lieberthal and Chuck Lynn, first baseman John Jaha, second baseman Cairo,
third baseman Jeff Cirillo, shortstops Mark Grudzielanek and Gary DiSarcina,
outfielders Jose Canseco, Marquis Grissom, Stan Javier, Lance Johnson,
Brian Jordan, and Tony Gwynn.
