Front Office Bans Consumption of Maple Cookies June 26, 1999
Galena,IL--In a statement earlier today, Commissioner Peck declared the
use and consumption of maple cookies by PVBL ball players illegal. Peck
stated that "use and consumption referred to "eating the cookies before
games and rubbing the cookies on players' bodies to receive the magical
benefits."
"Maple cookies are very tasty," noted the commissioner, "but
there's no place for cookies in baseball. Especially cookies that provide
weird magical powers."
The PVBL Front Office hired six chemists to uncover the secret of
the maple cookies. The results were astonishing, "The cookies are hardly
magical," noted Kevin Koslofski, head chemist behind the investigation,
"The cookies actually contain a virus that is propagated through proteins
known as preons. The virus, dubbed hyperstimulator 8472, induces the
muslces to contract quicker and more forcefully and provides the person
with incredibly high amounts of energy for short periods of time; however,
there is also a period of time when the person will have very low energy."
Koslofski went on to note that the preon has a short life expectancy and
does not reproduce in the body, so once players stop eating cookies,
they'll be back to normal in a few days."
Peck stated that the front office does not feel that maple cookies
are completely safe and can provide an unfair advantage to those teams
that have access to the cookies, "We want this league to be fair. An even
playing field. That's not happening when we have Canadian teams eating
magical cookies."
