Good evening, everyone. This is John McDonald, your channel 7 eyewitness
news anchor. And you may be hard pressed to believe the first story, but it
seems to be true. In shocking news today, the citizens of Punxatawney,
Pennsylvania, perhaps disgruntled from a sweep by Tampa Bay in a
doubleheader and falling out first, invaded the town of Tampa Bay, planning
to kill everyone there. However, a last minute plot to destroy the entire
town with a low yield tactical backpack nuke was averted when the leader of
the rebelious group of Pennsylvania residents realized he forgot the remote
control device for the warhead and none of the citizens wanted to kill
themselves for the cause.
This horrible act may also have been related to the recent minor league
trials and tribulations as the Punxatawney residents wanted to see a minor
league organization in the works. This anchor thinks that tensions in
modern baseball have become way too great and everything may fall apart if
something is not done soon--
--Wait a minute--this just in!
Apparently, it was actually a group of Iranian terrorists dressed up as
Pennsylvania residents and cheering for the Groundhogs, not actual citizens
of Punxatawney, who plotted to destroy the town of Tampa Bay. We apologize
for our story not turning out false, and ask the forgiveness of all
Punxatawney residents.
