Washington (AP)-- In a shocking announcement today, President Bill Clinton asked the FCC to force ESPN to become a pay network. When asked why, President Clinton responded: "A certain unnamed party made an enormous campaign donation, asking that ESPN become a pay channel until Jeremy Chrabascz sold the network or at least allowed other interested parties to hire ESPN anchors for other networks. I accepted the donation and now I'm asking the Federal Communcations Commision to force ESPN to go pay."
In a totally unrelated story, ESPN was recently purchased by Jeremy Chrabascz, a PVBL owner. When Dan Shapiro asked for the right to hire one particular ESPN anchor for his broadcast team, Chrabascz turned him down, saying, "Nope. Sorry. Aint gonna happen. He's mine. The network's mine. I win. Everyone else loses. Moo-hahahahahahahahahahahahahaah."
"That's lousy #$!@," Shapiro was heard muttering before he took a flight to Washington. When asked why he was going, he only said, "There is a wrong I must right."
President Clinton under fire...AGAIN
Washington, DC (AP)- The Associated Press is reporting this morning that President Clinton is being investigated by the Justice Department, among other agencies, for accepting a significant non-party donation earlier this week. It has been reported that Clinton accepted a mysterious donation from a giver in Ponxatawney which came with the stipulation that ESPN be forced into being a pay-per-view network. The story thickened and got even more bizzare when Clinton admitted to accepting the donation and ordering the FCC to forced ESPN to become a pay-per-view network. ESPN and owner Jeremy Chrabascz have since settled matter with the FCC, however, an active investigation is underway regarding Clinton's indiscretions. A White House aid commented, "He really blew it this time. We spent years trying to quite the real estate and Paula Jones things and then he goes and does this." The same aid later provided evidence to Justice and the press, stating that, "A wealthy businessman from Ponxatawney, Pennsylvania swept in on a white horse early Monday with an enormous check in hand. The next thing I knew, servants were telling me that the guy was spending the night in the White House and had had dinner with Janet Reno after taking her to see 'My Best Friend's Wedding' downtown! Both Reno and the unnamed, unknown businessman supposedly came out of the Lincoln bedroom the next morning to have breakfast with Chelsea." Other sources confirmed the aid's story and it was even reported that the businessman was possible the owner of a PVBL franchise based in Ponxatawney. The Justice Department simply stated, "We are investigated both the President and Ms. Reno for possible inproprieties as well as a wealthy PVBL franchise owner. We received an anonymous tip from someone in Hartford, CT yesterday and immediately looked into it." Clinton's Press Secretary was quite pessimistic about the whole affair, "Indictments and a possible impeachment seem eminent."
Neither Reno, Clinton or Shapiro could be reached for comment and all have disappeared into hiding. There is currently an FBI search in progress to determine their whereabouts.Punxatawney owner Dan Shapiro vehemently denied rumors that he spent an evening with Janet Reno during his recent visit to Washington.
"I have no clue who spent an evening with her," he said. "I was already back at Punxatawney for the nightcap of our doubleheader. Chrabascz has gone too far this time, spreading unfounded rumors like this. He'll pay. My lawyer will be contacting him shortly. I think Jeremy's release might have been better suited for Star Magazine!"
Punxatawney Owner Denies Rumors
(AP)- Punxatawney owner Dan Shapiro vehemently denied rumors that he spent an evening with Janet Reno during his recent visit to Washington.
"I have no clue who spent an evening with her," he said. "I was already back at Punxatawney for the nightcap of our doubleheader. Chrabascz has gone too far this time, spreading unfounded rumors like this. He'll pay. My lawyer will be contacting him shortly. I think Jeremy's release might have been better suited for Star Magazine!"
FBI happy Shapiro's out of hiding
(AP)- The Associated Press is reporting that the FBI is extremely happy that Punxatwaney owner, Dan Shapiro, has decided to come out of hiding and they have begun to move in on his offices and homes in and around Pennsylvania. Said one official, "We're happy he's out in the open now. If he's innocent then he has nothing to worry about, does he? As far as his supposed affair with Ms. Reno, I guess that's between the two of them." The FBI is aiding the Justice Department in investigating an anonymous donation that President Bill Clinton received earlier this week with the request that the FCC forced ESPN into being pay-per-view. The FCC and ESPN have since settled matters while the investigation into the presidential donation continues. President Clinton, who was in Akron Ohio for a seminar on race relations refused to comment on the matter until he had spoken with his legal advisory staff. Meanwhile, it was reported that the donation had come from PVBL franchise owner and PR man, Dan Shapiro. Although having denied having relations with Reno, Shapiro has yet to comment on the supposed donation or Clinton's and the FCC's recent actions. Hartford Whalers and ESPN owner, Jeremy Chrabascz simply said, "They'll come up with whatever they come up with. I don't really care, although I would like to know who gave Clinton the donation. But all matters involving the FCC have been settled. Many of our anchors our already negotiating with us and other networks, except Chris of course. Additionally, in anticipation of the loss of some anchors, we have begun negotiations to get back a couple of...um...old friends now with Comedy Central and CNBC." Of Shapiro's threat of legal action relating to slander, Chrabascz said, "I haven't done anything. He can sue White House aids and servants all he'd like. He should be more concerned with his team than his reputation but I guess we all do things differently in PVBL."Punxatawney Fed Up with Injuries and FBI.
"Why the hell does the FBI care if I gave money to Clinton?" was Hogs owner Dan Shapiro's reaction after hearing that they were "searching" for him. "First off, they know where I am--with my team or in the AVBL offices. Second, I simply offered Clinton the money, it was his decision to take it. And third, goddamnit, I didn't even see Attorney General Reno when I was in DC. The main point is that there is no criminal act in my giving money to Clinton. I saw that as a viable way to get ESPN out of the hands of that crook Chrabascz, and Clinton agreed. Arrest him if you want. He's just the President. I have a team to own and a league to run."
Shapiro later emerged with some information related to the ESPN issue. "All I wanted from Chrabascz was Kenny Maybe to head up the Hogs broadcast team. Well, since Jeremy's refusal to allow that, we'll have to hire someone else. If Mayne knows whats good for his career, he'll quit before ESPN goes down in flames."
In other news, Punxatawney 2B Ray Eibel went down with a fairly significant injury and will join Rondell White and Jason Giambi and in the Hogspital. Ray Eibel will be getting some PT in his place. Punxatawney lost today, falling 6-5 in 11 innings after a decent first start of the year by Pat Rapp. Tommorow they play Binghamton. Mayne heads to home-shopping network.
Kenny Mayne fed up...LEAVES ESPN!!!
(AP)- Former ESPN anchor, Kenny Mayne is "heading to QVC" after getting caught in a feud between PVBL and network owners, Jeremy Chrabascz and Dan Shapiro. "They were behaving like spoiled children and last I checked slavery was illegal so I'm outta here," said Mayne as he boxed his things and took off on his way out of Bristol in his BMW. Mayne's agent later stated that he was heading to work under a lucrative contract with the home shopping network, QVC which would include part ownership and some managerial duties. Neither Chrabascz nor Shapiro could be reached for comment.
In other news... Former ESPN anchors Keith Olberman and Craig Kilborn were
sited going into ESPN headquarters in Bristol, CT this afternoon to meet with
Chrabascz.
--written by Jeremy Chrabascz and Dan Shapiro (one wonders if they are sane)
